// Have a cuppa

Messiness of this life

Wednesday, April 29 @ 04:54
Journalling is meant to be messy and raw… so here goes whilst my emotions have been better today.

How messy my mind feels:

/ Should I write a letter to you to commemorate our loss of you?

// Do I really want to record the shock and fear that we went through a month and a half ago? The thoughts that were flying through my mind when the soft aches started happening… and then blood… and then lots of fear and just being kept in the dark, not knowing what to expect, just lots of waiting around and being angry at doctors for how messy the whole process was, only to be sent home still without any clarity but just with two paracetamol tablets… the messiness of my mind constantly hopping back and forth between two scenarios, only to obtain full clarity the moment we returned home. The outpouring of the sorrows welled within — had never realised how deep the wells of sorrow could be. People always said you’ll find a special depth of love when it happens. I guess the opposite should then be true too; that there is such a depth of sorrow when it doesn’t. 

/// Do I really want to plunge myself back into the emotions? Into this grief?

//// Am I just suppressing it? Today had been a good run, even though I still felt the inability to think through, but I wasn’t down, until now. How long does it take for grief to seep out?

///// Grief never leaves you. You just grow around it and learn to move with it. I don’t like how I’ve become from it though. I hate that tang of envy, or the wince of defence when words unintentionally hurt, or the fear that this new me is just…going to be like this from now.

That’s silly, isn’t it? If God is able to deliver Daniel and his friends from the fiercest fire, is God not able to deliver me from sinful tendencies? 

Someone asked what verses do I cling onto when I’m down. Frankly, I don’t think there’s any in particular. But the thought that God sent His only son to die for me, that’s pretty intense. I have so much grief welled up for losing someone I hadn’t even had the chance to meet, and frankly (regrettably) was even wondering existed; how much more God’s sorrow and pain in losing someone He knew from existence and was in perfect unison with. 

////// The guilt that I have so much to be thankful for — how best it could have gotten physically, that we have hope in the resurrection, that God has been even guiding me gently through the first two sermons and even the book I’m reading (how can it be this uncanny?!) — and yet… I still grieve? Is my behaviour justified or am I portraying badly who God truly is? 

/////// I asked for therapy this week because I’m so tensed and stressed and I don’t feel like I’m able to think creatively or effectively, my memory is horrid, and my body is aching with a heavy heart. Even receiving the phone call today (which I missed) was so stressful. Do I really want this? Do I need it? …yes, yes I do. 

//////// ‘I do.’ I fear it’ll become I don’t. Not because you haven’t been supportive, but you’ve been so good at taking care of me, that I feel bad I can’t do the same for you when it’s your turn to be down. 

///////// Part of me wants to tell everyone so that they can understand why I’m not that responsive, or why I feel like I’m spinning excuses, or that I can share with them how I see God’s providence through it, but yet I still struggle with emotions. …Do I really want to share with people? 

Everyone holds grief. Everyone holds pain. 
I get that the world needs to move on still; I want to move on too, but I can’t be so hard on myself either. 


Saturday, April 18 @ 11:47
O Lord, 

 Take this grief and fear 
and turn it into 
worship and praise for You. 

 It's been a month and with this new cycle of blood, it's hard not to plunge back into those moments again 
- that initial fear of what's happening, 
the realisation that it truly is happening, 
and then that final "plonk" of the body letting go. 

But I know the night turns into morning; this sting does not have the final say. 

Take these tears to water new growth this season. 

 -- 

This at 4.30am on a saturday because I woke up from a dream of a talk show between Stephen Fry and my boss talking about how Fry's wife (hah) slowly slipped into a log and fell away. 30 years. Easter. Garden of reflections.

Fear

Sunday, February 28 @ 00:50
"Growing up, I wasn’t one of those girls who fantasized about her wedding day. It wasn’t until I actually began my wedding planning that I felt desires inspired by media kicking in. Wedding magazines showed me pictures of pretty invitations, elaborate cakes and the trendiest party favours. Blemish-free brides wearing designer gowns graced every page, and articles recommended skin-peel treatments and teeth-whitening for that picture-perfect look. Little did they say anything about life after the wedding, being comfortable in your own imperfect skin or saying "I love you" when you don’t really feel like saying it. Unfortunately, by the fifth or sixth magazine, I was hooked: What I wanted became what I needed. Combined with pre-existing selfish tendencies, popular media quickly turned my earnest desire to celebrate marriage into a party about me. Yes, weddings by all means ought to be beautiful. They commemorate the passage of a man and woman entering into a sacred union before the eyes of God. But isn’t it strange that aspirations for something so beautiful can turn into something so ugly, that in grasping for perfection, we become the complete opposite? When we lose sight of God’s intended purpose for marriage, we reduce the lifelong union of two people to one stressful and expensive spectacle. Marriage ends up long forgotten over the selection of roses, bridesmaid dresses and catering companies. And after all that time and money, our planning for a wedding has failed to prepare us for the real thing." Source: https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/battling-your-inner-bridezilla /// When I feel that words fail me, and I know not how to express the ugliness within from the desire to - as the text above says - make it all about me, I'm really thankful for a time of Google and Internet that I can head onto to search for wisdom to recalibrate this heart of mine. /// Prayers for myself: https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/weddings/4-prayers-to-help-you-during-wedding-planning.aspx O heart - weak in intent and filled with empty emotions, but God gives grace and strength to the humble. Humble me Lord.

Exhaust Vents and Intake Rants

Sunday, June 21 @ 12:54
Here's a post to rant out how I feel inside;

I am tired. I am tired of how insane the deadlines for this CB project is (not cursing; literally the name code of the project); that we are still supposed to keep to ridiculous timelines with plans that are still constantly changing, meaning we only have a few days to come up with the revised proposal. Am I supposed to accept that this is how the industry is, that times are bad, and therefore I have to succumb to how things just are?

At the same time, I also recognise that my boss and director have been working very hard. If they had been slacking, it would be a different matter altogether, but because they are working hard (much harder in fact) to meet the same deadlines, I have much less to complain about.

Moreover, what is there to complain about Miss Chai? Is not complaining a grudge against the God-given circumstances? 

Yesterday, Julia mentioned (albeit in a different context) that whatever gifts we receive, if we do not use them for God, God can easily take them away. This is true. Perhaps, the nice company environment that God had brought me to, I had recklessly squandered without appreciation to God, without furthering His Kingdom here, and instead have used it as an idol to turn my heart and time away from Him instead of further seeking and trusting in Him.

O weak heart, why do you put God to the test repeatedly? Why do you doubt your Creator? Why do you doubt the God who knows exactly what you need, and does not refrain Himself from giving you what you need even if it came as His expense and sacrifice?

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.

Rant over; back to doing what I need to do. After all, I had a really really good break Friday night and yesterday, so it's time to do what needs to be done.

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To You

Saturday, May 9 @ 00:56
So, it’s been ten years. Time really flies in retrospect huh?

So much has happened in the last ten years; I’ve lived overseas for half that period of time, had achieved a degree with honours, had found a job back here in Singapore after struggling for a short bit, and am now still trying to pull through with what God has given.

Well, I suppose that’s always the case: Pulling through with what God has given.

I was thinking about how things might be if 1) we ever met by chance along the streets. Would you acknowledge me? Would I acknowledge you? Or would we catch up with small talk, like how old acquaintances would: awkwardly? Or what if 2) you ever decide to return. How would the dynamics change? Would I be open to it, or closed up?

Ten years seem like sufficient for wear and tear; I myself have grown weary of being pulled into the same emotional cycle of those months of tears at night. I am familiar with how I fall into the same hole of thoughts, and have learnt better how to recognise the loose soil, scraggly planting barely surviving on the crumbling ground so I can cautiously step around the hole instead. I still trip and fall in it now and then, but no major crippling trips anymore, thankfully.

Ten years have also been quite a decent frame of how God has proved to be relentlessly merciful and providing, be it regarding you, or the countless of other things in my life / our lives. Times when I focus on what’s been taken away from me / denied to me / ruefully squandered by me, I am reminded of how God has unequally provided, defended, and nurtured in my life instead. You, this day ten years ago, has also been a key point.

I still remember the study room, the mattress, sitting on the floor chatting and crying. I still remember the phone calls from Australia bringing me to reality when I was trying to shut it out via studies. I remember the dinner at Thai Express when I myself too felt so empty and questioned why.

Maybe one day I’ll forget, but for now, these memories serve a greater purpose: that God remains in control and has never stopped showing me how infinitely loving He can be by using broken pieces to create things that turned out better than expected, perhaps better than the original state.

Well, hope you’ve been doing okay. We have. And maybe one day God will string our paths together and we’ll have a proper chat and catch up.

Maybe.

///

For today, I’m just thankful it doesn’t affect as much as it has. Hopefully it’s the same for others too.